I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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