The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
