Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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