So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
