i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
