i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
