Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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