It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We're using joints as your birthday candles
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
