last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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