do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
