Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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