He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
