hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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