Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
