Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
