The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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