Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize