our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize