i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
