I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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