i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
