We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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