So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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