i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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