We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize