I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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