i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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