He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
