And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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