I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
