My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
