oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize