dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It's official drugs can't kill me
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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