By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
