I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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