I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
