Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
