I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
That was an excessively violent trivia night
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
