when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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