my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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