I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
