Yo dont text me then not text me
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
