Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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