I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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