it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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