I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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