Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
