A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
