So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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