How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize