Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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