We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
