We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize