the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
