Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
