When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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