Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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