I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
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