I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
sarcasm needs its own font
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
