remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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