I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
someone owes me an orgasm
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
