Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
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