The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just invented taco cereal.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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