I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
