Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
