The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize