The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
