I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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